Struggles

I found this post on this blog.

 

http://muslimmatters.org/2009/04/13/dealing-with-homosexual-urges/

The author is sympathetic, but obviously misconceptions still abound. I found the comments section much more interesting. I’ve known in my head I wasn’t the only one struggling, but it heartens me to find that others have come to the more or less the same resolution. So I have copied the comments of those who, like me, have fought, through lack of counsel and acting always alone:

 

 

With all due respect to Sh. Yasir Qadhi and those who have posted above, I (privately) speak as one who has such “urges”. I feel down to my very bones that I absolutely, positively am NOT sexually attracted to women in any way, but have such feelings toward men. Being attracted to men is for me as natural as being attracted to women is for you. Before everyone panics, I do not act on it. However I do feel that I have been like this since I was a little boy. I have fought these urges for years. I have cried. AND CRIED. AND CRIED. I have prayed countless rakaat in tahujjjud. I have fasted Mondays and Thursdays. I cried and made du’aa on Mt Arafat during the Hajj that He would heal me and make me attracted to women. I have done so many things to try to get closer to Allah so that he would relieve me of these urges. To no avail.

Let me say very clearly: I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE THESE URGES. I would love nothing more than to be a normal man who is sexually attracted to women. This has nothing to do with separation of the sexes. I was not sexually abused as a child. I have none of the stereotypical patterns that people attribute to us. This is not like a drinking problem or a gambling addition. An alcoholic can stay away from alcohol and be fine. A gambling addict can be removed from casinos and be fine. My urges follow me everywhere

All the other brothers can crack jokes about throwing homosexuals off roofs and that sort of thing and laugh about it. I can not. All the other brothers can spend hours talking about the features and qualities they want in a wife. I can not. I can not confide in anyone. During college, I particially confided in a Muslim brother I thought would understand and he dismissed me as a “faggot” and never spoke to me again. He hated me and would not come near me again. I made no sexual advance on him yet that is how he treated me. This is why confiding in someone is not an option for many of us. Brothers will turn into some kind of Nazi on you and resolve to ruin you. So we suffer in silence. We are then forced to talk to and meet others with the same struggles. Just to have someone to talk to. Not to have sex with! This is how groups like Al-Fatiha formed. I am not willing to go THAT far, but I have met with them and many of them are good Muslims. You would be shocked.

At this point I have determined to simply be celibate. I can not understand why Allah would put these urges in me while condemning me. These urges are not put into other normal people. It is as natural for them to be attracted to the opposite sex as breathing. I feel trapped. I can only imagine that being with a woman for me would be like giving an ob/gyn examination. If the questioner is like me, then I feel that it is incredibly irresponsible to advise him to get married. That is your job I suppose, but it would be unjust both to him and to his potential spouse. I don’t have the heart to get into a marriage with a woman for me to be unjust to her in not loving her properly. And she would not be able to fulfill my needs either. And if I am honest (as one person above seems to suggest) what woman in her right mind would want to marry a man that is not attracted to women? The best advise is to tell him to remain celibate and keep to himself while not acting on those “urges”. That is what I do. I see no other answer.

In the end, I am glad that you brought up this topic because we are out here. We pay and come to your classes. We are in the ranks with you in salaah. We break the fast with you. We make hajj with you. And there are more of us than one may think. I am not saying this to scare anyone, but to let people know that there are Allah fearing individuals sincerely struggling with this and have been for their entire lives. Trying to turn us into you will not work. And throwing around threats of takfeer and kufr will not make the problem go away either.

 

 

 

 

Taahir bhai this made me cry! i am in the same struggle as you and its not easy. i have not friends to speak with except one. i am so lonely but i keep fighting and i weaken too! its very easy for straight people to tell homesexuals to not act on urges, but they dont realize how tough it is….its like telling them to urge having sex with the opposite sex forever! its impossible! i am very proud of you for being celibite but i know its not easy! may allah make things easy for you and bless you and maybe one day even change you. i also commend you for staying on the path of Allah! you surely will have your reward in teh hereafter!

 

 

 

 

Wow! You have captured my thoughts and feelings in every possible manner. You have given me hope 🙂
I for one WAS sexually molested and on top of that raped by none other than my Tajweed teacher!!! (Quranic grammar). I was depressed to the point of suicide but Islam saved me. It made every day bearable little by little until I could finally hold my head up high and not look behind my back every minute later; checking to see whether someone suspects me of acting in a ‘queer’ manner.
My resolution in life is also celibacy. I don’t know how it’s going to be achieved but if there’s anything my experiences have taught me: it’s that live life on a day-to-day basis! I hope and pray that it turns out alright in the end.

As for the article, I like it, it’s so much better than most of the other articles about so called ‘curing homosexuality’. Although, the marriage part is something I don’t really get.

 

 

Assalamu alaikum brother Taahir!

Very well said!
I go through exactly what you go through…after fighting with it for so long. I just accept it and trained myself to remain celibate because I also find no other solution. I am out to a lot of people because I find no shame in facing this trial from God. However, I stay away from acting on it. As for marrying a woman, THAT is out of question. I have talked to so many women who have said that if they knew that the man is gay, they wouldn’t marry him. I also know of guys who married women without telling them and their lives are full of misery. Always trying to make sure no one finds out. I don’t want that life.

InshaAllah, people might laugh at our struggle, poke fun at us, and condemn us just because we have these feelings. Only Allah knows how great our sacrifice is and bi’idhnillah, our reward is with Him, not with people.

 

 

I seriously think that in dealing with homosexuality – cases, causes, and methods of dealing with it – we need to move beyond the ‘traditional’ and oft-quoted beliefs regarding them.
The Qur’an and Sunnah state only that acting upon homosexuality is forbidden; they do not say exactly what it’s causes are. As we have seen, many of the ‘old’ arguments against homosexuality’s causes and ‘solutions’ to it are easily contested and debatable.
Rather than stubbornly sticking to them, let’s just accept that it exists w/o necessarily pontificating upon possible reasons; and once we’ve done that, let’s move on and see how we can help our fellow Muslims who are fighting these urges, to strenghthen them in their personal Jihad.

Perhaps the greatest thing we need to realize is that fighting homosexual urges is very different from fighting ‘normal’ sexual urges. That is, someone who has a hard time lowering their gaze wrt the opposite sex can still work on keeping away from intermingingly and one day look forward to getting married and fulfilling those desires; but someone who doesn’t feel an attraction to the opposite gender faces several other challenges: in a typical Muslim environment they are surrounded by those to whom they feel an attraction, and they can’t ever fulfill those urges either.
So, since telling someone who is gay to get married to someone of the opposite gender is potentially devastating to both parties (the gay person and their spouse), what, if any, other alternatives are available?

These are extremely difficult questions which our scholars need to address and answer in a contemporary, practical manner; and we as laymen also need to be aware of the challenges facing these brothers and sisters. Furthermore, we need to develop a method of how to interact with such brothers and sisters WITHOUT rejecting them, ostracizing them, etc.

One website which I found very interesting, and seemed to cover the above issues in the manner which I described, is http://gaymuslims.wordpress.com/

 

 

 

 

And to his credit the author himself humbly acknowledges his lack of knowledge:

 

Salam Alaikum

I appreciate the comments and feedback.

– I make no claims to authority regarding psychological issues: my observation on the possible explanation for the rise of homosexuality is merely an opinion, and could be totally wrong.
– The advice to get married is actually from Prophet Lut to his people (as mentioned in the Quran), hence I would assume there would be some Divine Wisdom behind it. However, there is no question (as Br. Taahir above bravely expressed) that it is better to remain celibate than to enter a marriage where you feel you will harm the wife psychologically.
– For sure, more research needs to be done. This is not my area of expertise and I only gave a few comments since I was asked the same question twice (and in fact I have also been asked private questions by sisters who expressed the same problem of being attracted to their gender).

This is an issue that needs to be discussed publicly and my main intention for this article was to jumpstart such a discussion.

Keep the comments coming, I think we’re all benefiting by reading them.

Yasir

 

 

 

 

 

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